If last week’s email about dropping the constant “sorry” hit a nerve… you’ll love this one.
You see – learning to say no is one thing. Learning to speak up without the prickles – is another thing again. That’s where real self-leadership begins.
Once you stop apologising for your boundaries, the next skill is learning how to hold them. Hold them calmly, clearly, and without slipping into defence mode.
I see it all the time in coaching: people swinging between two extremes.
One minute they’re softening everything with phrases like these: “It’s fine,” “Don’t worry,” “I’ll sort it out.”
The next, they’ve had enough and boom, their words come out loaded, sharp, defensive framed up as a confrontation rather than a conversation.
What I have noticed is that neither the soft or sharp approach works. One silences your voice while the other distorts it.
Assertiveness isn’t about getting dressed up in a suit of armour or putting your boxing gloves on. It’s about ditching the armour and finding the sweet middle space between silence and steamrolling.
That place where your voice lands cleanly. Where you don’t have to fight to be heard or for space – you simply say what you mean, mean what you say and take the space you need.
Here’s the mindset reframe I give my clients:
You’re not being “too much” when you’re clear. You’re being understood.
The trick is your tone. You want it to be steady, not spiky. Calm, not cold.
💬 Give these approaches a try:
Instead of “You never listen to me,” say, “I don’t feel heard when that happens.”
Instead of “I don’t want to upset you, but…” say, “I need to be honest about something.”
Instead of overexplaining, pause. Silence isn’t rude. It’s confident. [We know all about the power of the pause because it is a Super Power – remember!]
Think of assertiveness like water pressure.
Too weak, and nothing moves. Too strong, and people shut the valve.
The goal is flow – steady, direct, and powerful enough to make things shift.
So this week, practice taking off the armour and turning up the clarity.
Say what you mean as often as you can – without the edge in your tone and without an apology.
Remember your power isn’t in how loud you speak. It’s in how cleanly your message lands.
✨ Want to build authority that feels calm, clear, and kind (not combative)? Let’s connect.